Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Mushroom People

OK, this post has nothing at all to do with RPGs. But, it is too precious to me not to post here. This is my theory of why traffic gets so bad in the rain.

Two words: Mushroom People.

Have you ever noticed that traffic gets really, unreasonably bad when it rains? It is far worse than the conditions actually warrant. Have you also noticed the extreme number of cars on the road at that time? There are more cars out than at any other time (well, possibly excepting the Friday before a long weekend, but that is beyond the scope of this theory). In fact, I noticed while living in Charlotte that there seemed to actually be more cars on the road than were owned by all the residents of the city!

This mystery had an obvious answer. Cars were spontaneously appearing when it rained.

What else spontaneously appears when it rains? Mushrooms.

Hence, the cars are made of, or at least driven by, mushrooms.

(Yes, this logic may also make you think of witches and ducks. That's how you know it's a classic rhetorical device.)

Now, we have a basic problem. The mushrooms are spontaneously appearing, and are often gone again within hours. That means that they never have a chance to complete driving school. The fact that they know to stop at stoplights at all is a miracle. When they spontaneously decide to perform a U-turn in the middle of a four-lane highway because the other side is going faster (albeit in the wrong direction), we have to be somewhat sympathetic. Don't try to be understanding, though. If Lovecraft taught us anything, it was that understanding is the first step to insanity.

Mushrooms also have another limitation, which creates endless difficulties. They are red-green colorblind. Yes, even the females, as unlikely as that sounds. That's why mushroom people have a hard time with stoplights. When the light changes from yellow to red, they think it turned green, and so they accelerate. When it turns from green to red, they can't tell the difference, and will sit there until it turns yellow again. They are trying. They really are. They try my patience every damn time.

The final frustration at mushroom people comes from the obvious consequence of spontaneously created people. They have no homes. They have no work places. They aren't actually going anywhere at all. They exist solely to drive around. And to drive people crazy. People like you. Unfortunately, mushrooms are themselves immune to insanity. Or they start out insane, so can't get any worse. I guess that's an obvious result of feeding on nothing but bullshit. Maybe that's where pointy-haired bosses come from, too.

I am currently working on a proposal for a widespread fungicidal agent that would remove these peripatetic pests from our highways and byways. Unfortunately, that really requires a lab. And a degree in biology. Probably one in chemistry, too. I need grant money for this. And donations. Maybe a telethon? Anything you can do will help. I'm hoping to ultimately find a way to kill the mushroom people without harming the cars. That way I can donate the cars to lots of charities in order to fund my habit. I mean, research! Fund my research. Research is my habit.

Watch this space for my corollary theory: Toadstool People, the Scourge Under the Full Moon.

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